


How Can You Do This Thing to Me?

by Dippingmytoesindreams



Series: Crowley, Crowley, Crowley and Crowley [1]
Category: Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Am I doing angst right, Aziraphale is Fell, Bad decisions for everybody involved, Because I am a slut for cliches, Crowley is a CEO, Crowley is called AJ, Horny Omens, Human AU, I'm Sorry, Implied Anal Sex, Including the Author, M/M, No-explicit Blowjob, Pining, Radio Omens, The author also doesn't know how alcohol works!, This is the author's first published work, and she's making a big deal about it, fluff?, the author can't write smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24074944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dippingmytoesindreams/pseuds/Dippingmytoesindreams
Summary: A.J. Crowley met Aziraphale Fell on a rainy Monday morning. He had thought that he has made enough bad decisions to last 6,000 lifetimes. A.J. Crowley is wrong.The human 'all the Crowleys are brothers and there's nothing you can do about it' AU nobody asked for (BUT SHOULD'VE)Or; I wanted this AU. I was not able to find this AU. My 1.15 am brain threw a fit about it, so now I'm pulling everybody down with me.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Crowley, Crowley, Crowley and Crowley [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736899
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	How Can You Do This Thing to Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Dean Martin's and Marilyn Maxwell's "Baby It's Cold Outside."
> 
> Hello! I'm freaking out over the limited HTML format!
> 
> Brief rundown; Crowley goes by AJ in this fic, and I'm sorry, but they all need nicknames. (Book is Crow, Radio is AJ, TV is Anthony and Musical is Junior. Aziraphale is Fell in this one.) I THINK I got all of 'em, but please point out any inconsistencies if I'd overlooked referring to my Radio Boy as Crowley. I'm planning for a bunch of related ficlets spanning how each of my Ineffable Pairs meet each other, and fluffy interactions between all of them. AJ has inherited his father's multi-million company after his death, Crow is a business consultant, Anthony is a lawyer (yes, from the Lockdown video) and darling Junior is studying Cyber-security and does freelance Hacking jobs. AJ is also the second oldest between the four of them, followed by Anthony and Junior. Yes, of course Crow is the oldest what kind of question-

It is nearing 10 am when AJ finally finds time to leave his office that day, and he already regrets it when he sees the box of pastries already settled daintily in Fell's lap when he enters the bakery. 

"12 o'clock Mr Fell," one of the waitstaff murmurs, quietly in Fell's direction (clearly not quietly enough) and, another smirks and throws "good luck," in his. 

There was, as usual, no reaction on Fell's part, other than the gentle hum of acknowledgement in AJ 's direction as he lounges as sexily as he is able, high on 12 Starbucks double espresso shots from morning coffee and zero sleep. 

"Blueberry scones this morning, angel?" He drawls in his signature deep rumble, handling his black visa over to the barista. She rejects it today, though, (with a grin) because-"Oh, I'm going to have to say no today, dearest, I've already paid." Fell demurs, with a gentle smile. 

All at once, the one on his face slips off like grease.   
"Angel?" 

"I have somewhere to be in 10." Fell confides, already standing up from the countertop, and AJ scrambles to follow. "Perhaps you should try again next Tuesday?" 

"How's about I take you there, then?" AJ says, jogging to keep in Fell's line of sight to the exit, not unlike a lost puppy. There was no dignified way around it. "I've got nowhere to be in the next half an hour! What've you got on tomorrow and Monday?"

"I'm rearranging my catalogue, dreadfully important." Fell grins, that cheeky bastard smile breaking through AJ 's previously impenetrable armour to settle in his heart like a tumour. "And I've already called a cab."

Indeed, he was heading towards a dusty black hackney that had been forced to idle behind AJ's deep red 1964 Pontiac. Despite his reservations, he opens for him the car door, and Fell kisses his cheek in gratitude. He sends an awful glare in the cabbie's direction though, hoping that would suffice his disgruntlement on the matter.

The entirety of the bakery is staring at them.

"Dinner tomorrow night?" AJ suggests, desperately.

"I'll call you if I have the time."

"Lunch on Wednesday?"

"Goodbye, AJ," Fell says, firmly final, and closes the car door.

The cab screeches on the tarmac as if it couldn't get away fast enough. When AJ turns back to face the bakery, he feels a collective, expectantly raised eyebrow.

AJ shrugs, and they burst in collective sighs and raucous chatter.

"Better luck next time, mate." Fred, a longtime server, consoles him, and Emil sets a pint in front of him, on the house, never mind it isn't part of the menu, and certainly not before noon.

Money exchanged hands. AJ ignores the looks of pity subtly sent his way. The day was only getting better and better.

\------------

He had met Fell on a rainy Monday.

It had been a hard week. He'd just had an argument with Crow, over their share of inheritance in the will. Their father had been a right son of a bitch, and the only thing-besides his looks- they had in common. Crow wanted nothing to do with the family business, but then again, none of them did. 

It had almost come to blows. Anthony left the house. Junior was left to pick up the pieces.

All four of them had attended the funeral. Besides faint distaste curling the edge of his lips at the grave, all of them felt nothing.

AJ had stopped at the quaint little patisserie on his way back to the manor, reluctant to see the old nightmare so soon after having to endure a period of his old man's cranky near-death attitude. He had been pretty lost in it when a partially wheezy voice interrupted his line of thought.

"Rough week, dear boy?"

AJ had _no idea_ what kind of person still used the term "dear," unironically in a public setting these days, but when he turned to look at him, the man had looked exactly the kind. 

He was portly, was the first thing AJ noticed about him, which was telling. His straight blonde hair hung lowly right beneath his ears, not in any particular style, but neat, in odds to the state of his sweater, in a blue and beige pattern so-horrendous the man should have been arrested just for that. He had been there for quite some time, surmised AJ, from the crumbs littering his beige khaki covered lap, and the steamless mug of cocoa he was sipping from. Pride and Prejudice sat quietly in his line of sight, a gaudy, rumpled receipt marking his page, but for some reason, AJ could tell it was not stained in the slightest. 

They were the only two people there, AJ had only just realised, besides a young man wiping the floors in a fairly distressed manner, glancing all too frequently between them and the clock.

"Somewhat." AJ murmurs in return when it became fairly obvious the man was still patiently waiting for an answer. "My father had just died."

The abrupt mention of a familial death would have put most people off-stammering and stumbling over themselves to offer their condolences for a man that didn't deserve it, shifting uncomfortably in their seats, but the blonde man didn't even shift their gaze.

"I'm very sorry to hear that." He supplies, an all too knowing look in his eyes that simultaneously raised and soothed his turbulent emotions. "I imagine it must be very hard for you."

"Should be, yeah." AJ sniffs. "They're closing up?" He asks, referring to the shop when it became clear the young man sweeping is boring lasers into their backs. 

"Usually not for another hour." The man replies, unperturbed by the glares at all. In fact, he seemed quite amused by them. "But seeing as the rain doesn't seem much obliged to finish up soon, I assume they would want to decide to close up early. I'm waiting for my cab." 

AJ made some noise of assent, an unnamed emotion bubbling over in his chest at the thought of leaving the encounter alone as it is. It ate at him, told him that this wouldn't be the last of him. 

And of course, typical English manners.

"Of course, I've got a car up front-if you'd like to. You know, if I could drop you off anywhere. It's no trouble."

The man snapped his gaze back to him, and AJ found it disconcertingly hypnotizing.

For some reason, he is unable to pinpoint the exact colour of his eyes. 

"I'd like that." the man murmurs, and AJ didn't find his voice half as wheezy or irritating as he initially did. "I'd like that very much."

\-----

The blonde man's name is Aziraphale, he learned, and he had wanted for AJ to drop him off in a pub. 

Against his better judgement, AJ accompanied him.

\------

"The ol' coot was a right wanker." AJ slurred, possibly 6 pints deep into his rum. The pub was a right hole in the wall, possibly as old as SoHo, itself. And from the looks of things, just as decorated. "Bigoted, absent, fuckin FUCKER-learned I had three-got THREE brothers, did you know that? Well half 'em, half brothers, y' know? Left me with nothing on a church porch 25 years ago, expects me to-bugger this for a lark." He took a shot, appreciating the pleasant burn as it made it's way down his throat. "Good fuckin' riddance, that's what."

Aziraphale-Fell, AJ recalled in a faintly tipsy manner. He went by Fell-giggled faintly, staring appreciatively at the bob of his Adam's apple. He was a blotchy red-a side effect of the alcohol, the pleasant tipsiness blurring his mind's eye or the flashing lights of 'Eden.' His stare, AJ was starting to learn, didn't get any less intense over time-or drinks. 

Fell raised his glass, martini sloshing all over the table. "A toast." He declares, as somberly as possible."To bigoted families and dead patriarchs!" 

AJ grinned and raised his glass in response. "Broken families and-and-and whales, I suppose."

"And dolphins!" Fell cheered, and AJ laughed, and really, he had never felt more relaxed in his entire life, next to a blonde stranger with intense eyes. They went to click their glasses, but they had been steadily drinking for the better part of hours now, and their eye-to hand-to mind whatever coordination wasn't the best in these circumstances. AJ bumped his glass perhaps a little too hard, or Fell had been holding his own too loosely. Maybe even a combination of both. It didn't matter, in the end, whatever it had been. What mattered was that it had caused Fell to drop his glass and spill his drink. AJ went to stumble over an apology, still laughing, offer to buy the next round maybe, but then Fell had met his eyes head-on, and sucked his fingers into his mouth. 

AJ had stopped laughing, after that. 

He had stared, instead, as Fell had lapped up the martini as thoroughly and sensually as possible. He pulled in the second digit into his mouth, the third, and licked around in between them. He licked up his palm, at this point he was just coating it in slick-there was no way he had wasted a drop of alcohol left on his hand, and AJ realised, numbly, the man had freckles on the bridge of his nose. Was that a weird thing to notice about someone you were platonically drinking with?

Fell had smiled, and his eyes were intense, and his lips were plump and sweet, and he took AJ's rum right from his hand. He finished what was left of it in one go.

"Holy fuck." AJ had said, and they kissed.

\-----

AJ learned that the pub 'Eden', a seedy hole in the wall in SoHo, had serviceable rooms in an adjacent building. 

He also learned that Aziraphale Fell, it turns out, was a magnificent kisser.

\-------

"Ahhhhssss-," AJ gasped, staring into the cracked ceiling as Fell strived to suck his soul out of his cock. "Zzzzir-G-Sat-let up, let up I'm close-," 

Aziraphale did, humming in discontent as if he'd been pulled off his favourite dish. He kept a hand around the base of his shaft, pumping tightly enough to make AJ lose his mind without an orgasm at the same time. "Dear boy, I rather thought that was the point." 

AJ made a sound comprised entirely out of vowels and exhales. "Gotta-want to-bed." He babbles.

Fell tilted his head, amused, and began trailing his lips across the bare expanse of his stomach and thighs, purposefully staying away from the dribbling, rock hard erection poking into his cheek. Satan forbid, thought AJ, he hadn't even taken his shirt off yet, and Fell was still fully clothed-sans the bow tie and vest. 

"I see." Said Fell, and pulled his tie in for another mind-blowing snog, all tongue and teeth. He tasted like biscuits, thought AJ deliriously, and smelled like musky second-hand books. His tongue was as intoxicating as fine wine. AJ moaned like a right whore, and when Fell pulled away, shamelessly chased after his lips for a rerun. His hands twitched where Fell had pinned them against the arms of the old leather armchair by the door, but he didn't dare move them. 

"And do you have a preference?" Fell asked once he pulls away successfully. 

"Wot?" AJ slurs, unable to understand much of anything anymore.

"Penetration, my dear boy." Grinned Fell, his eyes manic and dark. "Do you have a preference?" 

"Um," said AJ, distracted by the hand still pumping away at his dick like his life depended on it. "No?" 

"Excellent," Fell purrs. "Because I'm going to enjoy making you scream my name, my dear. Now take off your shirt-leave the tie-and get on the bed."

"Fuck." Cried AJ, and did as he was bid.

\-------

When AJ woke within the following morning, fucked out of his spunk-as promised-he half expected an empty bed.

He was, to his surprised delight, wrong.

Fell's body was soft and heavy against his, and AJ dug his fingers delightfully into his aptly named Love Handles. Fell murmurs and shifts, tucking his face more firmly into the crook of his neck. 

AJ pressed his lips against a love bite on his shoulder, turning a beautiful shade of puce, and grinned like a lovesick idiot.

"What time'sit." Fell murmurs, his lips brushing teasingly over his goosebump ridden skin. His voice is heavenly and soft in the early hours of dawn. 

"Too early," AJ replies.

He can feel Fell's smile against the skin of his collarbone, as gentle as his own. Fell ran his hands down the expanse of his back, before settling protectively over the curve of his arse. He didn't seem particularly inclined to move either

"-m'f got work." 

"Call in sick."

"My brother'll be worried." 

"Oh, but baby, it's cold outside." Sang AJ and Fell abruptly exploded in happy giggles, shoulders shaking in delight. He began peppering kisses across his cheekbones, and AJ nuzzled into his dishevelled, silken hair. 

(In the orange light of dawn, floating dust motes surround his head like the glitter of a halo, and his eyes are so soft AJ would almost dare to call it blue)

There is an air of quiet magic around them, in a nondescript hotel room that stank of sex and sweat and joy. A kind of love whispered between the sheets at night, cupped gently between closed palms. Stolen kisses and knowing looks from across the room.

In a minute, they are both going to have to leave-don on yesterday's clothes still trading kisses like honeymooning lovers. AJ would hum the few bars he remembers of 'Baby, it's cold outside' as he twirls the other man around the room like a flapper, tucking him in close against his chest to take in the last wisps of that oh so familiar second-hand book smell. Fell would help him do the knot of his tie. AJ would undo the knot of his. It will give them another 5 precious minutes to themselves. 

"Will I see you again?" AJ asks as they leave the building. He had offered to drive the blonde man home, but it is only two blocks away, and AJ is already late to his late father's will reading. 

"I'll call you on my phone." Fell had assured him, and they were content to leave it at that. 

That had been 3 months ago.

\-------

Fell had not called. AJ had been far too busy taking over the reins of handling his late father's digital marketing firm to notice.

Much.

\--------

AJ returns to the bakery, ('Tantalus', the sign reads brightly in the clear morning light) for his coffee break. He finds Fell pouring over a book and hot cocoa.

It is only downhill from there.

\--------

"Men like that, Mr.Crowley, he won't spare you attention if you bought him out every pastry we bake every morning for a year. What'll you do if he rejects the next 10 dates, or 20? 30?" Emil mutters vehemently, as they wipe down his table from Fell's crumbs. AJ watches them fall despondently, clutching his triple shot macchiato. He would need the caffeine, he thinks, if he wouldn't be able to solve the collaborative program problem with Celestial's airline ads. Or at least his PA would.

The regulars of Tantalus had been watching his fruitless efforts for a month, now, with no apparent results. There are no phone calls, not one date. No more quiet morning-afters snuggling against each other and sharing lazy kisses underneath eiderdown sheets.

No more mindblowing blowjobs, or screaming holes into the mattress as you get dicked down within an inch of your life.

"Then I try again, with better bakeries, and prettier things." Said AJ, with a nonchalant shrug he doesn't feel, and pretend he doesn't see the look the fresh Uni graduate sends his way. 

It has been 5 months, and AJ is no closer to determining the exact colour of Fell's eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I can't write smut I'msorrypleasedon'tkillme-


End file.
